My Testimony

This is something I wrote to indicate how I felt 6 years ago. I wasn't a very happy person and life didn't have any pleasure for me at all. I wasn't depressed, I just didn't see the point in life - you're born, you grow up, you have children and then you die - Whoopidoo.  It just seemed a bit futile to me I guess, having no real purpose and having a meaningless existence. I wanted to really live a meaningful life and it didn't matter to me if I became the most successful and richest person in the world - that still wouldn't give me meaning, that still wouldn't satisfy me.

So I wasn't happy. And then my mom decided she wanted us all to start going to church. I wasn't too happy about this either, knowing that I'll be dragged out of bed early every Sunday morning, but she didn't give me much of a choice so I went.

It was dull and boring - and it was almost like torture sitting there every Sunday - but still some of the words the Pastor spoke sunk in ... I had always wondered about God ... about Jesus ... everything about Him really. At this time in my life I was almost an atheist ... almost. I have had doubts about God's existence for years and it didn't seem logical at all that there was a god out there - I mean, where was He if He really existed? But the words the Pastor had spoken made me wonder anyway.

So I decided to put my mind at ease: I had to be sure whether this God existed or not. I saw it as stupidity to decide not to believe in Him completely, before I tested the waters myself. I had to make sure He wasn't there - I had to find out. So one day in church I prayed. I felt a bit stupid, thinking I was talking to myself and, that really, there was no God. I told Him that I didn't really believe in Him, that I'm not sure if He's there. I told Him that I wanted Him to show Himself to me - if He was there I didn't want any doubts in my mind. I told Him that I'd do what He wanted me to do until He showed Himself to me - I'll play by His rules. I'll take the steps He wanted me to take - so I took the first one - I gave my life to God. I went to the front of the church one Sunday after the Pastor asked who wanted to give their lives to God. I can't remember the details of this, I guess I was still too confused. But I had to repeat words the pastor said, saying that I accept Jesus as my Lord and Saviour, that I'm sorry for all the wrong things I did (I was sorry) and that I'll forgive everyone who did anything wrong to me (I could do that, I wasn't very big on holding grudges anyway). After that I didn't feel anything different, but I wasn't intend on giving up - some of those who had experienced God had done so after quite some effort (or so I heard from the pastors) and I knew it would take time and effort to know if God was there.

After this I started on my mission to see if God was real. I had heard the Pastor say in one sermon that God will come to those who truly seek Him - I will seek Him then, so that He can show me He's real. The verse He used was this one: "But from there you will seek the LORD your God, and you will find Him if you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul." Deut 4:29 So I made a deal with God, not in arrogance, I sincerely wanted to really know if He was there and I would do what it took to find out.

So my mission started. At first I didn't understand how you sought God. I couldn't really take a telescope and poke the sky with it - I seriously doubted whether I'll find God that way. So I remembered a couple of sermons I had heard on how He wanted us to "seek" Him (by this time my mom had forced me to go to church for months so I had received quite a lot of "Bible" knowledge). From what I understood by listening to the Pastors He wanted me to pray, to read the Bible and to go to church. Seemed simple enough so I started doing it.

I started praying, at first, only 5 minutes a day. This was dull and boring, but I was intend to do it. At first it felt like a waste, but after a while I was praying a bit longer, and I started to enjoy it. It felt like a load was being lifted of my shoulders talking to God every day: I told Him how my day was and what I needed. At first nothing happened but after a while my prayers started being answered. I was amazed. My prayers were small requests but they came to pass almost every time. I was a bit convinced here, but still my search went on - I needed more than a couple of answered prayers. I also read the Bible: I started in the Old Testament and was a bit bored. But then I started with the New Testament and read about Jesus and everything He did and said. I didn't, in the beginning, even understand what Jesus was saying (it was complicated) but, none the less, I found out that what I did read (and understood) was true. Jesus spoke about things of the heart and as I read it, I saw myself in His words and I started taking His advice. As I did what I read in the Bible I realized I was becoming a better person - I was changing and this gave me a lot of joy. You see, I was never a very nice person. I had always tried to change myself, but always failed miserably - and now, after coming to God, I was actually changing for the better. It didn't make sense, it was like Someone was helping me change - changing me from the inside out. This, also, ruled in the favor that God existed - but I still wasn't entirely convinced. So my search for God went on. I went to church more than once a week (because of my mother's "encouragement") and I gained a lot of friends there. This new world fascinated me and the changes I saw in my life because of God excited me. But I was still waiting, I wanted to meet God - and then, one night, it happened.

I was at a youth service. We were singing praise and worship songs and as I was singing along, worshiping God, the atmosphere around me changed. It was like someone had entered the room but I couldn't see Him. The air around me was thick with a deep sense of Love and Peace coming from Someone. I opened my eyes but couldn't see anyone, I just felt this Presence walking around in the room. I couldn't see Him with my physical eyes, but I knew He was there and I could feel His warmth every time He came near me. When He came near, that sense of Love and Peace almost overwhelmed me, making me want to cry. It was a Love I had never experienced before - It was so pure, so intense and so beautiful I felt like I could love this invisible Presence forever. My body started so shiver a bit, but not in a bad sense - it was like I was in a bit of a shock - I was slightly freaked out. I had never felt something like that before and the Presence stayed in the room for the entire duration of the Praise and Worship. I knew it was Jesus, the presence was like the Bible explained Him to be. When the pastor started the service I sat down, and the pastor started his sermon. After the pastor's message the Presence went away and I went home amazed. Was that God? He really was amazing, I have never felt a presence like that before. After that night that same Presence would come to me when I prayed, that same Presence would come to me when I'm sad or heart-broken, that same Presence would just appear in the middle of my day to remind me that He loves me. After all of this I was convinced God was there and that He loved me. His presence was pure love and the more time I spent with Him, the more able I was to love others.

Today, I don't even recognize who I am. I'm not at all that same person who went to church that first day six years ago. I'm happy and God has given me meaning and purpose. A lot of miracles started happening in my life since then and God guided me to do a couple of difficult things in my life, but it always ended up to be the right thing to do in the end. I love God with all my heart and I hope you'll give Him a chance too. I hope you'll find Jesus Christ, believe me, it's the best thing you could ever do.